Animals that shouldn't be able to do that
has nature gone too far?
The other day, my cat was sprawled out on the floor, periodically getting up and repositioning herself as the sunlight drifted across the room, and I was like, “this is normal, no complaints here, carry on.”
A bit later, she decided she’d had enough relaxation so she got up and started scratching the furniture, and I was like “ok miss, you’re pushing it.”
A bit later still, she hopped up on the dining table and started nibbling on my gochujang cabbage focaccia (the farmers market is getting crazy these days) and I was like “ok that’s it, you’re cut off.”
which is all a very long-winded way of saying that sometimes animals do things that they’re not supposed to do. Generally this manifests itself in more mundane ways like my cat eating focaccia even though she says she’s “off carbs,” but sometimes it’s much more profound, like fish that can fly or fish walking on land or fish breathing our air (a lot of this is just fish stuff)
Anyway, that’s what this post is about. Welcome, I’m so glad you’re here.
AMPHIBIOUS FISH
Pretty much the main thing about fish is that they live underwater, right? We all had to learn what gills are because these slimy little freaks decided that air wasn’t good enough for them.
Well, forget all that. These fish you’re about to meet don’t do that (sorta, to varying degrees).
They all saw that one fish who climbed out of the water a long long time ago to become a mammal eventually and thought, “hmmmmmmm…. maybe that guy was onto something.”
Say hello to amphibious fish. As the name implies, these fish spend significant amounts of time out of the water but are still, in fact, fish.
Many of them have eyes that are specially adapted to see clearly in air as well as water, despite light being refracted differently in the two elements (something that scuba goggles are designed to prevent).
Below are five of my favorite fish that you’ll never find in a dentist office’s waiting room aquarium (if your dentist has one of these fish contact me immediately so I can schedule an appointment)
LUNGFISH
First of all, awesome name. Anything with “lung” in it is a winner in my book.
Lungfish are “obligate air breathers” which is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard about a fish. Sorry, they will drown if they don’t breathe air? And you’re telling me this is a fish??
Imagine being a fish and dying by drowning. That’s gotta be so embarrassing, holy shit.
The lungfish lives in bodies of water that often dry up, so to survive, it “secretes a thin layer of mucus around itself that dries into a cocoon” and simply chills out for up to a year before the water returns.
These guys can also hibernate for up to four years by burying themselves beneath 1-9 inches (2-23 cm) of mud. After getting into its hole, the lungfish “wiggles in the mud to create a bulb-shaped chamber and rests there with its nose pointing upward.”
Lungfish have one thing in common with me making “seeing double” jokes to all the identical twins in my life, which is that they get really old. This one at an aquarium in San Francisco is over 100 years old.
Her name is Methusaleh, and guess what? Her biological sex has never been determined. Her handlers think she’s female based on behavioral cues, but they won’t know for certain until she’s dead.
Methusaleh lives a charmed life of getting back rubs and belly rubs from her handler, Allan, who says she has a “mellow” personality and encourages visitors to “pretend she’s an underwater puppy.”
What’s on the menu for ol’ Methusaleh? You guessed it – earthworms and figs. But not just any old figs – “She’s a little picky and only likes figs when they are fresh and in season. She won’t eat them when they’re frozen.”
LEAPING BLENNIES
I only have two thoughts about leaping blennies:
This thing looks like it should be playing in the weird alien band at the Mos Eisley Cantina
“Leaping blenny” sounds like a silly Australian slang term. Like, if I heard this out of context I would have assumed it’s how Aussies refer to bouncy balls.
Also, there’s a crazy video of this thing jumping on the Wikipedia page, so please take 15 seconds to check that out.
MUDSKIPPERS
Mudskippers can survive in air for up to three days and actually spend most of their life on land, which is kind of ridiculous if you ask me. Sorry, at what point does it stop being a fish? I just googled “fish” and the dictionary has some serious disagreements with the mudskipper’s core identity here:
According to Ocean Conservancy, “a prolonged stay in water can even drown this fish.” Again with this “fish drowning” thing? Get it together, fish.
Mudskippers can climb trees and skip across the surface of the water, which looks a lot less ridiculous than it sounds because they have sticky little arms, but I find it much more amusing to imagine Big Mouth Billy Bass trying to wriggle his way up a tree trunk.
KILLIFISH
Can survive up to two months on land where it may live inside hollow logs
Can live in Superfund sites
“killifish have evolved resistance against levels of dioxins, PCBs, mercury, and other industrial chemicals up to 8,000 times higher than the previously estimated lethal dose”
WALKING CATFISH
The best thing about the walking catfish is how much it freaks out and confuses people. That is the main purpose it serves in the ecosystem.
When the water it lives in dries up, the walking catfish can wiggle its way nearly a mile across land to another wet home in which to bask.
Sometimes people see them and they’re like “oh no this poor fish, we need to save it,” leading to some very well-meaning but completely unnecessary fish rescue operations.
Also: “Alright, I’m at Walmart and there’s a fish in the parking lot”
Okay, we’re done with the “weird fish” portion of the post. Let’s look at some other animals that enjoy bucking social conventions.
JAPANESE FLYING SQUID
Kinda sounds like something I’d see at Benihana, but ok
This squid almost caused a dude to wipe out while kitesurfing, and to that, I say “lol”
NEON FLYING SQUID
Kinda sounds like something I’d see at Benihana if they had an ‘80s theme night, but ok
According to a Japanese researcher, this squid “propels itself out of the ocean by shooting a jet of water at high pressure, before opening its fins to glide at up to 11.2 metres per second.”
For comparison’s sake, it is further noted that “Olympic Gold medallist [Usain] Bolt averaged 10.31 metres a second when he won at the London Games last year.”
Hey Usain, try to keep up, okay?
PARADISE FLYING SNAKE
Crazy video of a flying snake vs another animal that also should not be able to fly:
SCREAMING HAIRY ARMADILLO
These things are terrifying
BARKING DEER
Pretty self-explanatory:
NEW GUINEA SINGING DOG
New Guinea singing dogs are one of the few canines considered barkless, but they are certainly not noiseless.
Wikipedia gives us some, but not nearly enough information about this dog’s “copulatory scream,” described as “a repetitive sequence of loud, high-pitched yelps lasting about three minutes” that “has a strong arousal effect on most domestic dogs.”
Please exercise caution playing this video around your dogs unless you’re prepared for them to become very suddenly horny:
JUMPING SLUG
I’m gonna be honest, the name of this slug oversells its “jumping” ability quite a bit. Here’s Seattle’s KUOW with a very frank assessment:
“Yeahhhhh,” retired biologist Bill Leonard of Olympia said hesitantly. “More like somersaulting or something than jumping.”
Five H’s in “yeah”? Right, ok, this slug can’t jump for shit. But it’s still a weird slug! As slug expert Timothy Pearce notes, “the vigorous twitching is certainly an un-slug-like behavior.” So say we all.
Anyway, it turns out the most interesting thing about the jumping slug is its misleading name, but I’m happy to make up for it with plenty of other slug facts. The rest of this post is now about slugs.
SLUG FACTS
This is probably oversimplifying things a bit, but slugs are essentially snails that have evolved to no longer have/need a shell. Slug experts, please chime in if I’m spreading slug misinformation here.
But did you know? Most slugs still have an internalized vestigial shell. And it’s for – you guessed it! – storing calcium salts in conjunction with the digestive glands.
Some slugs couldn’t commit to losing the whole shell so they are now semi-slugs. These fellas have a shell but it’s not big enough for them to retract into.
As one Reddit commenter put it, semi-slugs are “basically the studio apartments of the mollusk world.” As another commenter who completely missed the point put it, “Aren’t snails the ones with shells?” And as a third commenter put it, “Snugs.” I’m with this third guy.
Slugs breathe through one of their two holes, and I have to be honest that I didn’t realize slugs had any holes at all but it kind of bothers me that this was going on the whole time and I’m only just finding out now.
Another slug thing I was clueless about until just now is love darts. These are pretty much exactly what they sound like – small, internally-formed darts that slugs (and some snails) use on each other right before the mating process.
The term “love dart” isn’t entirely apt because the darts don’t actually fly through the air – rather, they penetrate the other snail/slug at point-blank range. Perhaps “love knife” or “love dagger” or “love shank” would be more accurate.
There’s also no specific organ to receive the dart, so snails and slugs are really just out there in the forest stabbing each other wherever and then having sex immediately afterwards.
Sometimes, the stabbing is so forceful that the dart gets all jumbled up with the internal organs and may even poke out through the other side of the body. To answer what I’m sure is your follow-up question – no, this generally does not kill the slug/snail.
There’s some speculation that the myth of Cupid/Eros firing love arrows has its basis in love darts, which obviously implies that the ancient Greeks and Romans were spending a lot of time watching snails and slugs have sex. And you know what? Good for them.
Love darts come in a lot of different shapes! This one, from the German hairy snail, is my favorite:
Interestingly, the dart itself does not play a direct role in the reproductive process (i.e., it doesn’t carry sperm). However, the mucus on the dart contains compounds that promote sperm preservation, so a successful dart stab can improve reproductive outcomes.
I couldn’t find a video of an actual love dart penetration happening but I did find this weird snail sex video which was pretty fun and I hope you’ll accept as a consolation prize.
We also have snails that jump! Apparently not this one though:
My favorite slug is the leopard slug. Its scientific name, Limax maximus, means “biggest slug,” which is very funny but also just not true. There are bigger slugs and also much bigger slugs (don’t click that link, it’s so gross and scary).
Don’t worry, the leopard slug is still big, though. It can be up to 8 inches (20cm) long! And guess what? It’s fast (by slug standards). This slug eats other slugs after chasing them down at a top speed of six inches (15cm) per minute.
It would take this slug a little under four days to scale the Burj Khalifa, assuming it was continuously climbing 24 hours a day.
The fastest slug is the tramp slug (awesome name), zooming along at a breathtaking 11.5 inches (29.4 cm) per minute. This slug could scale the Burj Khalifa (if it so chooses) in just under two days.
The best thing about leopard slugs is their very unusual mating process. Prior to mating, there is an extensive courtship process where the slugs circle and lick each other for hours (talk about foreplay, holy shit).
After their slimy slug bodies have been sufficiently licked, they climb up into a tree together and intertwine their bodies with each other before slowly descending from the branch, delicately suspended from a thick thread of mucus.
I’ll share the video in a second, but I just have to preface it by saying I had very complicated feelings watching this slug sex video. (First, but probably not the last time I will ever type that sentence.)
Everything is covered in mucus, and the Foley artists went a little overboard with the squelching sounds. But – and maybe it was just the music choice in the video that created this feeling – watching the slugs descend from their branch, their bodies fully intertwined with each other, was very sweet. My first thought was genuinely “this is kind of romantic.”
Slug sex is at once almost indescribably disgusting and yet somehow strangely intimate. It feels like watching some weird alien sex video. I would recommend watching if (1) you are a depraved freak or (2) you have a soft spot for animals exhibiting behaviors that seem to align well with human conceptions of love. (Or both.)
There’s poetry in this slug sex. You almost have to see it to believe it, but I find it stunning.
I knew a guy in college who was afraid of slugs. And you know what? His dad was RICH. This guy would start crying if he saw the slug sex video. Probably so would his dad, too, I assume.
Anyway, thanks for learning about slugs with me, and also all those other animals that this post used to be about. See you next week!
If you enjoyed this piece, consider tossing me a few bucks (I will spend it on snacks)
I’m here for the slug sex-tape…if you were curious about the mind of readers that follows you.
Imagine what the slugs are saying about us. I’m glad they don’t have an internet connection.